Harry Potter and the Low Budget Musical
by dauntlessinthetardis
Summary: Harry and his friends have been brought to the future to watch A Very Potter Musical. Takes place 6th book during christmas holidays. I couldn't find the original full script but ah well. You should probably read Harry Potter and Watch A Very Potter Musical before you read this, but I own neither. Eventually Hinny, Romoine, one sided Quirrelmort, and one sided Dramione.
1. Chapter 1

_(Author's Note: This is 6__th__ year. I know this doesn't apply now but I couldn't find the full correct script so yeah. You should probably have read Harry Potter and watched AVPM to understand this. Enjoy.)_

Prologue

It was Christmas Eve, and Harry was at the Burrow. They had just eaten a huge meal, and he fell asleep with Ron by his side. When he woke up though, he was not in the Burrow. No, he was in what looked like Professor Trelawney room, where he used to take Divination. The room has been cleared out and replaced with 2 muggle couches and lots of beanbags, and in at the side of the room, there is a small bathroom and a table piled with plates and Goblets. In front of the muggle couches and beanbags is a large TV.

Harry is sitting on a beanbag with Ron and Hermione on either side of him. They are the only people in the room at the moment. Harry rubs his eyes in disbelief.

"Where are we?" Ron asks.

Hermione looks around. "This looks like the Divination Room, so we're at Hogwarts… but this doesn't feel right. I mean, the telly looks a bit more advanced than the one we have at home."

Suddenly there's a loud pop, and Ginny is in the bean bag next to Hermione. There is a loud bang, and Malfoy and Cho Chang pop onto opposite sides of one of the couches behind them.

"Um, hi?" Cho waves slightly. Draco just rolls his eyes.

"Wait until my father hears how you lot kidnapped me."

Hermione raises her eyebrow. "Draco. We didn't kidnap you. We don't even know where we are."

"Whatever, Granger."

There's another loud pop and Snape and Dumbledore appear on the other couch, and next to them a chair with cuffs appears.

"That's not concerning at all," Ron mutters.

There's another loud pop, and Voldemort appears in the chair, hand in the cuffs. It's apparent he can't move, as he is restrained magically as well, but Harry stands up quickly and points his wand at Voldemort.

"HEY! PUT THE WAND DOWN!" Harry turns around and sees the screen has flicked on. A girl with long, wavy black hair captured in a ponytail is on screen, and glaring at Harry. He lowers his wand. "Now sit." He sits.

"Wands don't work in there anyway," a voice of a girl calls from the back.

"Thanks, Rose. Anyway, Hullo everyone! My name is Charlie, and I'm in a room nearby watching you through some cameras. As Mrs- oops I mean Hermione pointed out, we are in Hogwarts. In the future too." The girl flashes a grin. "You could say I'm from your future. Right now, I'm talking to you live through the screen. Neat, huh?"

"Wait, technology doesn't work in Hogwarts," Hermione asks. "Right?"

"Well, in your time," Charlie replies. "Here in the future, it's everywhere." Suddenly the Doctor Who theme is playing.

"JAMES." Charlie glares at someone off screen.

"Sorry," James calls back. "Couldn't resist."

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, sorry about that. So anyway, in the future, Harry's story is published as a book series and is very popular in the muggle world. Some muggles made a musical out of the story. There are some spoilers for your future, but you will not remember this happening until after the war. Today, you'll be watching the musical. Y'all are big characters in it, but the events are out of order. There are some future references to muggle things in the future, and you may have some questions. That's why I am passing these." Tablets appear in their hands.

"These are magically wired with your head, so you don't have to worry about anything. Any references you want to know about will appear on screen. You can also think of a question or comment to ask me and you'll be able to see my response on your screen as well. I will also answer all questions you say aloud too."

"Just some quick final notes," the girl says. "Everyone must get along, or I'll be forced to drug you. I don't wanna do that. Every time you guys talk, the musical will stop until you stop talking." Charlie gets an evil grin on her face. "Oh, and this is being recorded and being put on a website called Tumblr. There will be periodic intermissions. My team will make the videos start."

Charlie smiles again. "So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy Starkid's A Very Potter Musical. The first scene will be starting momentarily."


	2. Chapter 1: Act 1, Scene 1

(Author's Note: Bold is Play, Non-Bold is fic. I own neither AVPM nor Harry Potter, but I would be a very rich, happy woman if I did.)

Chapter 1: Act One, Scene 1

The room goes black, and the opening music starts to play.

"So," Harry says, and he is instantly shushed. Well then. Then a boy with a fluffy afro in Hogwarts attire appears on stage. Everyone starts laughing.

"That's me isn't it?" Harry looks at Hermione fearfully. She nods while laughing. "Oh, great." Harry moans into a pillow.

**Harry Potter****: Underneath these stairs**

**I hear the sneers and feel glares of**

**my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.**

Everyone goes silent at the mention of the stairs. Harry feels himself sink into his chair a little bit. It's been ages since he had lived under the staircase.

**Can't believe how cruel they are**

**and it stings my lighting scar**

**to know that they'll never ever give me what I want. **

Malfoy snorts. "Wow, Potter. Arrogant, much?"

"Ironic from the king of arrogance."

"Whatever."

**I know I don't deserve these**

**stupid rules made by the Dursleys**

**here on Privet drive. **

Ginny smiled a little bit. She could help but think that this Harry was a really good singer. Then she stops herself. No, she's dating Dean. She banishes all thoughts of the real Harry Potter from her head and focuses on this fake one.

**Can't take all of these muggles,**

**but despite all of my struggles,**

**I'm still alive. **

Hermione and Ron exchange the first knowing glance they've had in awhile and both say, "Classic Harry."

"Hey, I'm not that dramatic."

The tablet in front of them dings. It says, "Yeah, you kinda are, Harry." Everyone snickers.

**I'm sick of summer and this waiting around.**

**Man, its September, and I'm skipping this town**

**Hey It's no mystery, theres nothing here for me now **

The fake Harry on stage stands up very dramatically too. Malfoy doesn't want to admit it, but he doesn't mind this musical thing that much.

**I gotta get back to Hogwarts;**

**I gotta get back to school.**

**Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,**

**where everybody knows I'm cool **

"I'm the chosen one. Duh."

"No, you're not, Harry."

"But I am." It's here where Hermione smacks Harry with a pillow.

**Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,**

**to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.**

**It's all that I love, and it's all that I need.**

**HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back- **

"To be honest, I'm not a big fan of goblins. Or beasts. I like pumpkin juice and Quidditch."

Dumbledore is reminiscent of how excited he was to go to Hogwarts.

**I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry**

**take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky**

**NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome **

"That's dark," Voldemort says quietly. Everyone raises an eyebrow.

"You do have a habit of killing people."

Voldemort just shrugs.

**I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand**

**defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!**

**And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome **

"Hell yeah." Harry and Ron highfive.

"What about me?" Hermione asks Harry.

"You'll probably get your own verse," Harry tells her while patting her back.

**Ron Weasley****: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome! Did somebody say Ron Weasley? **

The Ron onstage is wearing the same outfit as Harry, and he is obviously wearing a wig. He's also wearing a blue headband. Ron groans and puts his head in his hands.

"This can't be me. No, no, no."

The tablet dings again. "Sorry to break it to you."

Ron groans loudly again.

**Ron:**** Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we gotta get going. Get your trunk and let's go!**

**Harry:**** Where're we going?**

**Ron****: To Diagon Alley, of course!**

**Harry****: Cool!**

**Ron****: C'mon!**

**Harry &amp; Ron****: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!**

"That's obviously how Floo Powder is used boys," Dumbledore calls quietly. Everyone laughs at the boys and the two groan loudly into their hands.

**Ron****: It's been so long, but we're going back**

**don't go for work, don't go there for class**

**Harry****: As long as were together—**

**Ron****: - gonna kick some ass**

**Harry &amp; Ron****: and it's gonna be totally awesome!**

"They say awesome a lot," Cho wonders out loud. "Why?"

"Because it's totally awesome?" Harry shrugs.

**This year we'll take everybody by storm,**

**stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm **

It's Hermione's turn to groan as her character appears on stage. "Oh no. Oh no no no."

**Hermione Granger****: but let's not forget that we need to perform well in class**

**if we want to pass our OWLS! **

Her character has very fluffy hair, and is kind of frumpy. She's wearing the hogwarts uniform, but with a skirt. She does have that gleam that Hermione has, Harry admits to himself. That very upbeat gleam.

"First off, my hair isn't that fluffy. And I'm not that much of a buzzkill, am I?"

"Little bit," Ron grumbles. Hermione glares at him.

They arrive in Diagon Alley, where people rush back and forth upstage.

**Ron****: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?**

**Hermione****: Because, guys, school's not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we're gonna be good witches and wizards! Ugh! **

"But that's true," Hermione cries out. "We need to study hard!"

"Hermione," Cho interrupts. "No one studies at Hogwarts except us Ravenclaws and you."

"Well," Hermione sighs. "Doesn't mean people can't start studying."

**I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart**

**check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start**

**what I lack in looks well I make up in heart,**

**and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome**

"Aren't A's only acceptables," Malfoy wonders aloud.

The tablet beeps again. "Actually, A's are the highest grade in muggle American grades. This play was made in America."

"The more you know." Hermione grins. Malfoy rolls his eyes.

**this year I plan to study a lot...**

**Ron****: That would be cool if you were actually hot!**

Hermione throws a pillow at Ron.

"Hermione, that's not actually me. I actually think you're hot." He realizes what he says and smashes his face into the pillow. "I meant- I mean- Urg!"

Harry grins as both Hermione and Ron turn bright red. Ginny starts giggling.

**Harry****: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!**

Harry yells, "Not the real me!" before he gets a pillow chucked at him.

**Ron****: and that's cool...**

**Hermione****: and that's totally awesome!**

**Harry, Ron &amp; Hermione****: Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!**

The tablet beeps. "Such cool. Much Awesome."

**We're sick of summer and this waiting around!**

**It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!**

**Don't take no sorcery**

**for anyone to see how... **

**We gotta get back to Hogwarts.**

**We gotta get back to school.**

**We gotta get back to Hogwarts,**

**where everything is magic-cooooool! **

"Must be a very technical term," Harry remarks dryly.

"Part of me wonders how many times they've said awesome and cool so far."

The tablet beeps. "Awesome- 7 times Cool- 5 times."

"Feels like more."

**Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts**

**to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts**

**it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at**

**HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS**

"I think we're going back," the whole groups sings together, then they laugh awkwardly. Well everyone but Snape, who is sort of cranky.

**Harry, Ron &amp; Hermione****: - I think we're going back... **

"I liked that," Ginny says.

"Me too," Harry agrees.

"I think that was the end of scene 1."


	3. Chapter 2: Act 1, Scene 2

(Author's Note: I do not own Harry Potter or AVPM. I simply enjoy them both immensely)

Chapter 2: Act 1, Scene 2

The lights turn on again on stage, and it's Ginny's turn to groan. On the stage is a girl in a red haired wig, matching her brothers. She wears a white dress shirt, a black skirt, and bright yellow shoes. She has the cheesiest grin ever on.

"My god," she mutters. "I'm the worst yet."

**Ginny Weasley****: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fittings!**

Ginny squeals. "My voice is worse. I hate her. I hate her."

Ron shrugs. "I see no difference." He is smacked by another pillow.

**Harry****: Uh, who's this?**

**Ron****: Uh, this is stupid, little dumb sister Ginny. She's a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter. It's Harry Potter. **

**Ginny****: Aw, you're Harry Potter! You're The Boy Who Lived!**

**Harry****: Yeah, and you're Ginny.**

**Ginny****: It's Ginevra.**

**Harry****: Cool. Ginny's fine.**

Harry and Ginny both turn a little red, but no one notices. Ginny also mutters, "Stupid, stupid name," under her breath.

**Ron****: Stupid sister! Don't crowd the famous friend!**

The Ron onstage does this fake out slap thing, so Ron gets another pillow to the face.

**Hermione****: Do you guys hear music or something?**

**Harry****: Music? What are you talking about?**

**Ron****: Yeah, someone's coming! Whoa! **

At this point three girls dance in a very Japanese dance. Cho lets out a deep breath. She thinks the asian girl in the front of the line is her, and she isn't too bad. 

**Cho's Posse****: Cho Chang**

**Domo arigato, Cho Chang**

**Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang**

**Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang**

The girls onstage stop dancing and everyone is chuckling about it still.

**Ginny****: Aw, who's that?**

**Harry****: That's Cho Chang.**

**Ron****: Yeah, that's the girl Harry totally been in love with since freshman year.**

Harry sinks down in his beanbag. "Nope not anymore," He mutters loudly.

Everyone laughs at him for a moment. Malfoy raises his eyebrow.

"Anymore?"

"Shut up, Malfoy."

**Hermione****: Yeah, but he won't say anything to her!**

**Ron****: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot. **

The boys all nod. When they get weird looks from the girls, they all say, "What? It's true!"

The onstage Ginny taps the girl Ginny thinks is Cho Chang, but she's not sure. She has a strange feeling this won't go very well.

"Don't do it," she calls softly. "Please, don't."

**Ginny****: Konnichiha, Cho Chang! It is good to meet you! My name is Ginny Weasley!**

**Lavender Brown****: Bitch I ain't Cho Chang!**

"I KNEW IT," Ginny stands up and stomps around. "I FREAKING KNEW IT."

"Wait," Cho exclaims. "If that's not me…" She gets a look of pure panic on her face. "Who am I?"

**Ron****: That's Lavender Brown! (Claps in her face) Racist sister!**

Cue pillow being chucked at Ron's face. Again.

**Cho Chang****: (with a Southern accent) Oh, it's alright! I'm Cho Chang, y'all.**

Cho groans at her onstage counterpart, a deadringer for an American Southerner. She has long, silky brown hair, and she's wearing a dress shirt with a loose tie, a skirt, and black heels.

"Really? REALLY?"

**Harry****: She is totally perfect!**

**Ron****: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory.**

**Harry****: What? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory?! What is that? Who is that guy? **

Both Harry and Cho get a far away look on their face. Dumbledore pats Cho gingerly on the back.

The onstage Cedric knocks Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny down and walks towards the onstage Cho.

**Cedric Diggory****: Oh, Cho Chang**

**I am so in love with Cho Chang**

**from Bangkok to Ding Dang**

**I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang! **

Cho sighs. "I miss him."

Harry nods. "He was a great guy. Until…" Harry gets a devious idea. He turns around and chucks a pillow at Voldemort.

"You little," He cries out and struggles at his restraints.

"Nice," Ron mutters.

**Harry****: Uh! I hate that guy! **

Harry turns back to Cho. "I never hated him."

Cho nods. "I know."

At this point, Draco's character comes on stage with Goyle (?) behind him. And Malfoy is a… A girl? Malfoy's jaw drops, and everyone, including Snape, starts laughing.

**Draco Malfoy****: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!**

**Harry****: What do you want, Draco?**

**Malfoy****: Goyle, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizards.**

"I hope you're not referring to yourself."

Malfoy sneers. "Shut it, Potter."

**Harry****: Hey, listen, Malfoy, Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything. **

During the lines, onstage Harry puts his arms around Hermione and Ron. Harry copies this action in real life. Onstage Ginny tries to join, but is pushed away by onstage Ron. Ginny tries to chuck another pillow at Ron, but it accidently hits Harry instead. Ginny blushes and mutters a quick apology, but Harry winks at her and hits Ron in the face with the pillow.

"Harry, what the hell?"

"You're right, Ginny, that is fun." Ron huffs for a second.

**Malfoy****: Have it your way. (He notices Ginny) Wait. Don't tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion? You must be a Weasley.**

A pillow is thrown at Malfoy. Correction, 4 pillows.

**Ron****: Oh my god lay off Malfoy. She may be a pain in the ass, but she's my pain in the ass. **

And Ron gets another pillow in the face.

**Malfoy****: Well, isn't this cute! It's like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone the dogs. Luckily next year I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!**

"STOP THROWING PILLOWS!"

"What's Pigfarts?"

"I have no idea."

The tablet beeps. "You'll find out later ;)"

"Is that a winky face?"

"Future muggles are really weird."

The tablet beeps again. "1. Muggleborn not muggle 2. And you have no idea."

**This year you bet, gonna get outta here**

**the reign of Malfoy is drawing near**

**Ill have the greatest wizard career,**

**and its gonna be totally awesome **

**Look out world, for the dawn of the day**

**When everyone will do whatever I say**

**And that Potter won't be in my way, and then**

**I'll be the one who is totally awesome! **

"Even I say awesome," Malfoy mutters in horror. "Have I gone to the dogs?"

**Goyle****: Yeah you'll be the one who is totally awesome.**

**Hermione****: C'mon, guys, we're gonna miss the train! **

The cast gets into three lines and acts like they are mimicking the train. Ginny, Hermione, Harry, and Ron all start to do the dance move with them. 

**Ensemble****: Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?**

**Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow **

**Harry****: Maybe at last, I'm gonna talk to Cho!**

**Ron****: Oh no, that be WAY too awesome!**

Harry turns around. "Hi, Cho."

"Hi."

"See? I talked to Cho." He leans back smugly and falls over, forgetting he was in a bean bag chair. Everyone starts laughing.

"Harry Potter, the boy who fell. The Fallen One."

"Ha ha. Sooo funny."

**Ensemble****: Were back to learn everything that we can**

**it's great to come back to where we began**

**and here we are (they lurch forward as if the train has just stopped),**

**and alakazam! (they jump into the air)! Here we go, this is totally awesome!**

**Come on and teach us everything you know**

**the summers over and were itchin' to go**

**I think we're ready for **

**Neville Longbottom****: Albus Dumbledore!**

**Ensemble****: Oooooo Ahhhhhh. **

"I wonder what I will look like," Dumbledore asks Snape.

"I have no idea sir."

As if to answer Dumbledore, his counterpart enters the stage and everyone bursts out laughing. He's portrayed as a middle age man with a fake beard wearing long robes, a stereotypical wizard hat, and sandals.

"Well," Dumbledore sighs. "At least I am played by a younger fellow."

**Professor ****Albus Dumbledore****: Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts.**

**I welcome back you all to school.**

**Did you know that here at Hogwarts**

**we've got a hidden swimming pool? **

"Where?"

"The prefect bath, Ms. Weasley."

"Oh. Wish I was a prefect…"

**Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts**

**Welcome, all you hotties, nerds, and tools**

**Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts**

**I'd like to go over just a couple of rules:**

**My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. Suppose you could also call me Albus-if you wanted detention. I'm just kidding. I'll expel you if you call me Albus.**

There's a loud shout from the next room. "WHAT IF MY NAME IS ALBUS?"

"SHUT UP, ALBUS."

"Come on, Lily, get a sense of humor."

"Shut your trap they can hear us."

**Ensemble****: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts**

**to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts**

**it's all that I love, and all that I need.**

**At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS **

**Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends**

**To Gryffindors!**

The Gryffindors give a small whoop.

**Hufflepuffs!**

**Ravenclaws!**

Cho smiles a bit.

**Slytherins!**

Everyones a bit surprised when Voldemort and Draco give a small hiss.

**Back to the place where our story begins**

**it's Hogwarts, Hogwarts,**

**Dumbledore****: I'm sorry, what's its name?**

**Ensemble****: Hogwarts, Hogwarts**

**Dumbledore****: I didn't hear you kids!**

**Ensemble****: Hogwarts, Hogwarts**

**Harry****: Man, I'm glad I'm back. **

"Next scene."


	4. Chapter 3: Act 1, Scene 3

**Chapter 3: Act 1, Scene 3**

_(Author's Note: Sorry for not updating sooner. The muggles are getting me down. Mostly school and crap. I promise to update more. A very special thank you to everyone who followed, favorited, and reviewed. Ily guys *blows kisses*. I'll be responding to reviews later. Notice: I DO use allusions a lot. I'll be using a lot in the next chapter too. Thank you!)_

The next scene is like a Great Feast. On the right, all the Gryffindors sit, and everyone else sits on the other side of the stage. Dumbledore stands in the middle. The onstage Ron is eating some noodles, and Ron feels his stomach groan.

"I'm kinda hungry, guys."

Hermione rolls her eyes. "When are you not?"

The tablet beeps. "We'll take a snack break after this and I'll show you how the plates and goblets work. Actually, I'll send someone in."

**Dumbledore****: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter. He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby. He's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny -'scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.**

Ginny rolls her eyes. "Um, yeah, I'm a girl."

**Ginny****: (stands up) Um, yeah, I'm a girl**

Everyone looks at Ginny in shock.

Cho mutters, "That wasn't freaky at all," under her breath.

Ginny looks at the TV in horror. "I'm slowly becoming her. Oh god no."

Hermione pats her on the back while Ginny shivers.

**and, um, also, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (Sits down)**

**Dumbledore****: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference won't be back until next year.**

The kids all look at Dumbledore with pleading looks on their faces.

"We should totally get one."

"Can we get one?"

"Pleaaaaaase?"

Dumbledore just smiles and says, "I don't even know if that exists."

"If it does exist?"

"I'll think about it."

**Basically I've just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care.**

Hermione frowns. "That's not fair."

" ," Dumbledore reminds her. "It's not actually me."

**Cedric****: (stands up) Hufflepuff are particularly good finders!**

**Dumbledore****: What the HELL is a Hufflepuff? **

Everyone snorts with laughter.

"Don't tell Tonks that, she'll kill you in your sleep."

"He poses a good question, what exactly is a Hufflepuff?"

"Hufflepuff is-"

"Hermione, that was a rhetorical question."

**Dumbledore:**** Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.**

**Ron****: Aw, Snape? I'd hoped they'd fired that guy!**

**Ginny****: What's wrong with Professor Snape?**

**Ron****: Uh, nothing, he's just, uh, evil! **

Snape glares at Ron, and Ron raises his hands in surrender.

Then onstage Snape enters the stage and everyone starts laughing. He's wearing a fluffy black wig, black robes, and the best facial expressions. Snape begins muttering under his breath.

**Harry****: C'mon, Ron, he's really not that bad. I mean-**

**Professor Severus Snape****: Harry Potter! Detention!**

**Harry****: What?**

**Snape****: For talking out of turn! **

"I can see Snape doing that."

"Detention."

"You know it's Christmas Holiday, right?"

**Snape:**** Now, before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz.**

**Hermione****: Yes! **

"Of course Hermione is excited."

"Well I have no idea why, I didn't even have anything to study…"

**Snape****: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?**

**Hermione****: Oo! (She raises her hand)**

Hermione rolls her eyes. " A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter."

**Snape****: Yes, Ms. Granger.**

**Hermione****: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.**

Everyone slides away from Hermione. "You can't tell me that's not freaky."

"Come on, Ginny, it's just the dictionary definition."

"Still. Creepy."

**Snape****: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? **

"Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way. Easy."

**Snape****: Yes, Ms. Granger.**

Ginny leaned behind Hermione and whispered, "Bet you a gallon that Hermione has the same definition."

Harry grinned. "You're on."

**Hermione****: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.**

**Snape****: Perfect!**

Harry swore angrily under his breath while Ginny celebrated. Hermione looked grumpy.

**Ron****: What's a portkey again? I missed that one.**

**Hermione****: A portkey is something that when you touch it it'll transport you anywhere.**

**Ron: (Over Hermione) Not you! Ah, never mind.**

Hermione rolls her eyes. "Really, Ron?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ME!"

**Snape****: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!**

**Lavender****: Professor?**

**Snape****: Yes?**

**Lavender****: Can, like, a person be a portkey?**

**Snape****: No, that's absurd. 'Cause then if that person we're to touch themselves, **

Everyone starts snickering when Snape looks directly at Ron.

"What?" Ron looks around, confused.

"It's- you know what nevermind," Hermione sputters.

That only makes people laugh more.

Finally Ron understands the meaning. "Oh. _Oh_." He starts blushing.

**they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.**

**Harry****: What's a- What's a horcrux?**

**Snape****: I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough.**

Dumbledore watches Harry knowingly. If everything goes as planned, Harry will learn very soon what Horcruxes are.

**Hermione****: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?**

**Snape****: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. Especially you!**

"Why is he pointing into the audience? Doesn't that ruin the play?"

"It's a muggle plot device, Ron. It's meant to be humorous."

"Oh. Thanks, Hermione."

**Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor,**

The Gryffindors cheer a little.

**Ravenclaw,**

Cho gives a small woop.

**Hufflepuff-**

**Cedric****: Find!**

Everyone snorts. "Guessing that's his thing."

"You're probably right."

**Snape****: What? And Slytherin**

Voldemort and Malfoy hiss with the Slytherins onstage.

"Is that just a Slytherin thing?"

"I guess you could say that," Voldemort shrugs.

**Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. For example, ten points from Gryffindor! **

"Classic Snape."

"Detention!"

"Again, STILL CHRISTMAS BREAK."

**For Ms. Granger's excessive baby fat.**

Hermione turns around and glares at Snape. He raises his hands in defeat.

"Not me."

**Harry &amp; Ron****: Thanks, Hermione!**

Hermione hits them both on the back of the head with a pillow.

"NOT US!"

**Snape****: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we're doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrell. **

Voldemort's eyes go wide. "Greaaaaaat." Quirrell walks in with an obviously person hidden in his clothes behind him. "That's probably me."

Everyone snickers again.

**Quirinus Quirrell****: (with a slight stutter) The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-**

**Malfoy****: Go home, terrorist!**

"What does that even mean?"

"American and futuristic, I guess? This play is weird."

The tablet beeps. "It's a reference to a terrorist attack. You'll understand it when it happens."

"Why can't you tell us?"

"Spoilers."

**Quirrell****: For centuries, the houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition? **

"The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students."

"Hermione, that was probably a rhetorical question."

Hermione sputters. "No it wasn't"

**Hermione****: The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.**

**Quirrell****: That was a rhetorical question.**

Ginny jumps up. "Ha! Toldja so."

Hermione mutters swears under her breath.

**Dumbledore****: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.**

**Harry &amp; Ron****: Thanks, Hermione!**

"NOT US," they yell as they are pelted with pillows.

**Quirrell****: As I was saying, when the Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.**

**Hermione: Kind of like the Twiwizard Tournament!**

**Quirrell****: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tounament, except no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?**

"Kinda like our fourth year, I suppose," Harry mutters.

**Hermione****: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one student was killed during the first task.**

**Quirrell****: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.**

**Hermione****: I don't think you heard me! I just said somebody died!**

**Dumbledore****: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!**

**Harry &amp; Ron****: Thanks, Hermione!**

"NOT US!"

**Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points to Dumbledore!**

"But there's no wood," Harry and Ron mimic Hermione during their first year, and Hermione turns bright red.

**Quirrell****: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to- **

It's now that Voldemort sneezes. "Did I just sneeze?"

"_Very_ stealthy."

**Dumbledore****: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?**

**Quirrell****: What? No. **

**Dumbledore****: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving.**

**Quirrell****: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going. **

Everyone snorts except Hermione, who mumbles, "Come on, guys. Be mature."

"What's the point of being an adult if you can't act childish sometimes?" Dumbledore's eyes glitter.

**I simply farted once more. **

Even Hermione snorts this time.

**Dumbledore****: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honors, please? **

**Snape****: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house, Ms. Cho Chang,**

**Cho****: Oh my god I've won! I can't believe they called me!**

Cho does a facepalm. "I hate her. Hate, hate, hate, _loath_."

**Snape****: Next, from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.**

**Cedric****: (stands up) Well, I don't FIND this surprising at all!**

"And I'm FINDING this joke's getting old."

**Cho****: Perfect! Now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.**

**Cedric****: I'm glad as well my darling.**

"I don't think we were that touchy-touchy."

**Snape****: Next, from the Slytherin house, Draco Malfoy!**

**Malfoy****: Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didn't I, Potter! What do you think of that, huh? I'm the champion this time!**

Everyone bursts out laughing as Malfoy starts rolling all over the floor.

"Graceful, aren't we, Ferret?"

"God, will you forget that already?"

"Never."

"Wait until my father hears about this."

The tablet beeps. "That'll be awhile. You'll forget about this until this is your time"

**Dumbledore****: Draco, will you sit down, you little shit! Champion's just a title.**

**Snape****: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isn't this curious! The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I bear no grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.**

**Neville****: It's me. I'd like to apologize right now to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing-**

**Snape****: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It's Harry Potter!**

Harry groans. "Why can't it be Neville for once though? I'm sure he can handle it."

Ron snorts, so Ginny chucks a pillow at him.

**Dumbledore****: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let's get to it! **

The trio laughs at Malfoy's failed attempt to put his name into the cheer of "Cho Chang!" Cho shoves her face into the couch.

"Well, that's scene 3."

"FOOOOOOD."


	5. Chapter 4: Breakfast and Allusions

**Chapter Four**

_(Author's Note: Hey y'all. Lots of references and 2 new couples. Plus an announcement at the end of the chapter. Please follow, favorite, and most importantly, review. I love getting every last piece of advice I can. Enjoy __ ) _

(Meeting in Control Room)

Charlie, James, Albus, Lily, Hugo, Rose, and Scorpius huddle together in a circle, whispering about who's going to go tell their parents (Minus Charlie, who's a, muggleborn, and b, refuses to see them as she's already got a job).

"Okay, so which 2 people are going to go?"

Lily grins. "I say Rose and Scorpius."

"Um, we can't."

The group groans. "Weren't you supposed to tell them last week?"

"Um, well, our dads were upset with each other last week."

"Well, this is the perfect way to tell them! Besides, if they do get upset, you can remind each of them about their not so secret crushes on Hermione, especially about what we've seen so far. And you know what happens later in the musical."

"Fine. We'll go," Rose sighs. "And we'll show them what a couple we are."

"Okay." Scorpius smiles and takes Rose's hand. "Together?"

"Together."

(Back in the room)

Everyone but Voldemort mills around the room. Voldemort hums under his breath, and Snape gives him a weird look.

"My lord?"

"Yes, Severus?"

"What are you humming?"

"This catchy song my tablet is tranfering into my ears through a device this girl calls ear buds."

Snape looks down at the tablet. "Single Ladies?"

"By a delightful muggle named Beyonce. First time I can say that normally."

The tablet beeps. "Everyone knows Beyonce is magical. I'll put it on the room speakers."

Suddenly, the song's starts playing.

_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_

_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_

_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_

_All the single ladies_

_Now put your hands up_

The group looks around weirdly. "What the hell is this?"

There's loud shouting of "TURN THAT OFF." then the music ends abruptly.

Voldemort quiets a small sob.

Suddenly, there's a loud click and the trapdoor opens, and two teenagers holding hands emerge into the room. One is a girl wearing Gryffindor robes with wavy reddish-brownish hair, and the other is a boy in Slytherin robes with pale blonde hair.

Ron's and Malfoy's jaws visibly drop. Hermione looks back between the children and Ron and Malfoy. She gets a surprised look on her face, but she gives teens a knowing look. Everyone else just looks shocked.

"Wow," Hermione finally says. "Gryffindor and Slytherin relationship? We must have progressed a lot after the war."

The girl clears her throat. "Yeah." She smiles at her boyfriend. "Anyway, I'm Rose, and this is Scorpius."

He waves. "Hullo."

"We're here to show you to use the plates, so everyone take a seat." She snaps, and chairs appear around the table.

"Wait, do I get to eat?" Voldemort whips his head around wildly.

"You don't even eat."

"I'm just lonely. You're my Marnie, Moose. A-and Hannah, she just- she *needs* to be loved. She deserves it. Don't we all? You, me? We deserve to be loved. I DESERVE TO LOVED!" The group turns around and looks at Voldemort, shocked. "I just want to be loved," he whispers. Rose is holding in her laughter, and Scorpius is snorting.

The tablet beeps. "Um, sorry, that was James, INSERTING HIS STUPID TV REFERENCES AGAIN. DAMMIT JAMES."

The TV flickers on and boy with untidy black hair, not unlike Harry's, and bright brown eyes, like Ginny, appears onscreen. "No one in the history of torture's been tortured with torture like the torture you'll be tortured with." He winks at Voldemort, who looks visibly terrified. "You scared, Tommy boy? I can read minds."

"DAMMIT JAMES."

"Hey Mum. Hi Dad." He smiles at the group. Suddenly, Charlie appears onscreen, tackling James. She pops back onscreen, hair visibly messier, with a deep red blush.

"Forget the last 2 minutes happened." The screen shuts off.

"Okay then," Rose starts again. "Okay, please sit- thank you." Everyone pulls a plate and a goblet in front of themselves.

"How does this work? Is there a spell?" Hermione looks quizzically at the duo.

"Wands don't work in here," Scorpius explains, "To get food, you just need to put either hand on each side of the plate, and one at a time, say the dish they want. Same with the goblet."

"What time is it," Ron asks the boy. The boy pulls back his robes and looks at his wrist.

"10:30," Scorpius replies.

"Okay." Ron takes a deep breath. "I want two portions of Mum's scrambler." Suddenly, the dish materializes on the plate. He instantly starts to eat.

"Really, Ron? You could have any dish in the world, and you chose this?"

"Bugger off."

"Fine then, Mr. I actually think you are hot." At this comment, Ron goes red and scowls down at his food.

After breakfast commences with no further hitches, the couples says their farewells and exits the room while the group prepares for the next scene.

"They were actually a lovely couple," Rons says quietly.

"I know," Malfoy agrees.

Hermione snorts into her pumpkin juice. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. Nothing."

(In the Hallway)

Scorpius locks the trapdoor behind him, and turns around to Rose with a grin on his face. "We did it." He kisses her hard.

When they break the kiss, Rose mutters, "They are so going to kill us when we get home."

He shrugs. "So what? They approved of us when they didn't know that they are related to us."

Rose bites her lip. "Yeah, but that's the main problem."

Scorpius kisses her on the forehead. "Everything will turn out fine."

"I know. I just worry a lot."

Okayyyyy, announcement time:

I'm looking for a beta reader for now and possibly later and current stories!

My requirements are:

-Have both watched AVPM and READ all the books

-Have history with writing and/or editing

-Able to live with my busy ass schedule

-Be able to communicate with me often (ie email, snapchat, whatever works)

-Give both positive and negative criticism

To apply, email me at minergirl

(Note: Please include your username in your application)


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